Rolls And All

I can remember ever since I was little I was always the heavier kid. It didn’t really bother me. I had an awesome childhood. It was full of adventures and fun. I noticed being “fat” when I had to shop in the adult section for clothes at such a young age. The clothes were not cute. AT ALL. I just had to deal with it and wear them. In fourth grade I was at Davila Elementary and decided I wanted to join the cheer leading team. I went to the try outs and I made the team. I loved it. I loved dancing and everything that was involved with being a cheerleader. The competitions were my favorite. I mean sure I would never be the girl at the top of the pyramid but I was on the team. My confidence back then when I was that young was at an all time high. We moved my fifth grade year to the Humble area and I was devastated to learn and live in a new environment. I made friends fast and I still had some confidence in me. Then it was onto middle school. I was terrified of that place. Some of my fifth grade friends were going to the same school but I knew that we had more subjects, so that meant there was a less chance of being in each others classes. I decided to try out for the cheer after school team they had and sadly after a long night of waiting my name wasn’t on the list. I vividly remember this girl named Amber saying, “She’s fat, why would she make the team?” I then learned that people were always going to assume that just because I was fat that I couldn’t do things and that’s when my confidence went to zero. I hated myself and the body I had. I wished I was other people and I wanted there to be a magic pill to take to let all this fat disappear. I then moved onto high school. I had negative confidence at that point. I was hiding behind my hair and wore sweat pants all the time. I hated back-to-school shopping because nothing would fit. My diets failed every time. I hated them just as much as myself. We had to do a school fitness test in an English class period and I remember not wanting to go to school that day. I had to though. There was a certain part that I had to do and as long as you did one then you were good. I made a joke about myself. I did that a lot. Assuming people just made fun of me, I would beat them to the punchline. I made a joke about myself and then this one guy in the class said, “You don’t have to do that. You’re beautiful in your own way. Be easy on yourself.” After he told me that, I wanted to cry. I was so hard on myself and it was then that I really stopped making jokes about myself. Junior year I joined cosmetology. I hid in my smock. I wore it everywhere. I didn’t care. It was kind of like my baby blanket. I needed it and I got so mad when I couldn’t wear it. It was very sad. This time around I hated going alone to the bathroom. I hated getting up in front of the class. I think I had anxiety but I wasn’t raised around that so I sucked it up. I cried a lot in the shower. Almost every night junior year. The worst was my Senior Prom when all of my friends were getting asked out. One of my best friends Shelby asked me. The hard part was finding a dress. The dress I settled for was hideous. Even throughout College I hated going to class. I always thought I would never have a boyfriend and there was a point where I had a one and he treated me like dog crap and I just took it because I thought I was never going to get to be with someone. So I stayed and let him cheat, let him never take me out, let him tell me mean things, and let him continue just to hurt me. I never wanted to go to the gym because I was scared someone was going to laugh at me. People used to just stare at me and I would get so mad. Most of the time they come up to me and compliment me on my makeup. I get mad for nothing. My Mom didn’t make it any easier on me. She was constantly telling me what to eat and make me feel so bad about myself. I know now that she did it for a reason and not to be mean. She wanted me to avoid problems as an adult with my health. I love my Mom even more for that. I got into makeup because I wanted to hide what I could. It finally got to a point when I was dating Eduardo for a while to just show my face, God-given and all. Let’s take it to the present. I have never told anyone about this because it was embarrassing to me but I needed for it to come out. I am not the same person I was back then. I can now say that I have my confidence somewhat back and I am working on it more and more. I don’t need someone to go to the bathroom with me. I can just be myself and love myself, rolls and all. I am trying my best to lose weight this year but it is different because I really do love myself. I don’t have to hide behind my purse or jacket. Instead of body shaming people get to know them. Being a certain size doesn’t mean I can’t find love, I don’t exercise, I must have a certain haircut, I have to wear certain clothes, I don’t have sex, and I don’t love myself. I am perfectly capable of doing all those things and so much more. Another FYI, backhanded comments are also a no go. Saying you have such a pretty face isn’t a compliment! If you don’t have anything nice to say then shut the fuck up. Do not ever make yourself uncomfortable for other people’s comfort. Embrace your body, love yourself, and slay all day, everyday.

Until next time

-Esswest

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