No one really can tell you the right words to comfort you when dealing with pain. Days go by and because you never saw this coming it still hurts and aches. You go to sleep early to help numb the pain. You stay away from the radio to avoid hearing certain memories. People who know and love you are constantly checking up on you to make sure you’re okay. Incase your reading this, I’m not.
Right now, everyday is a battle and I find myself crawling out of bed in fear of how I’ll get through this. I’ve surrendered to the idea of knowing it could never be but then I’m drowning in the idea of maybe it might. Darkness has consumed me. I’ve never felt this type of pain before. I let someone know all of me, parts of me that I didn’t really know myself.
No more tears are coming out and I wish they were because only having to deal with the pain is making my body/mind numb. It’s uncontrollably heartbreaking. I still see the images from the throat in my head and I pray everyday hard for them to go away.
I was the easiest problem to let go and push away. Maybe in the end of all of this I was made to be broken and hurt to make me a better me. Maybe I will come out stronger than ever. For now I have to force myself to just breathe and not let my inner thoughts eat me alive. I used to wear makeup because I loved it. I want that feeling back but I don’t want to go back to the Samantha that I used to know. She’s dead to me. Now I wear makeup to hide and cover what I’m feeling in the inside. It’s a mask. It hides my pain.