Myself

I find myself still sad.
I find myself overthinking.
I find myself fighting back the tears.
I find myself needing the gym.
Really needing the gym.
I used to go to the gym and be afraid of someone staring.
That’s not the case anymore.
I put my head phones in and tune everything out.
Especially my pain.
I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.
I find myself thinking how is the man I thought was the man of my dreams not a man of his words and making me hurt this much.
I find myself not needing that closure I needed but at the same time needing it.
I don’t want to say goodbye.
This closure isn’t closure to move on from this person.
It’s the kind of closure to move on from this pain.
They say it takes just as long as you were with someone to get over them.
The fact is that I don’t want to move on from this person.
I’m working to become a better independent person and that’s what I want/need for myself.
I am going to be someone that puts myself before someone.
I am going to be someone that loves herself unconditionally.
I mean how can I expect someone to love me if I don’t fully love me.
This was a life lesson.
A wake up call that I wish didn’t happen but I feel it was needed to so I could open my eyes.
I know I don’t want a relationship anytime soon.
Not anytime soon because I need time for myself.
I need time to work on me.
I need to fuck with myself heavy.
I need to put myself on a pedestal.
I need to believe in my potential and take off.
I need to reach for my goals and don’t stop till I get there.
I need to know that at the end of all of this will we get another chance.
That’s the kind of shit that is in my head.
That makes me overthink.
That makes me sad.
That holds me back.

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