X

I met you at a time in my life when I just got back from a California vacation. My mind was clear. I had no problems. Life was good. Slowly my life started to crumble and you still were there without physically being there.

As the year went by we got into dumb fights. Fights that I didn’t think would ever end our relationship.
Fights like why aren’t you here on time.
Fights when your family pissed you off and I give you my input and you take that shit as offensively as you can.
Fights over social media when you claimed to never get on them but here you are on them.
Fights when all I do is see a text that your brother is worried about my health. I know he meant well. I didn’t even get mad. You did though.

You always thought I was mad and I never was. Half of the time I was worried about you. I was worried about your family. I loved your family from the bottom of my heart. I invited them everywhere so they wouldn’t just be at home. Little did you know I was reading Spanish books to step my game up.

I put you first before anyone or anything. That was the worst fucking decision I ever made. I didn’t ask you not to hang out with your friends. So when you told me that you just wanted to do that, you were full of shit.
You just had to tell me that you wanted to go and I would’ve been fine with that. I never said you couldn’t hang out or spend time with your friends. The lines of they’re busy with school and internships were always your answer.

You never spoke your mind. You bottled that shit up until you broke. Then when you broke you let it all out on me. Even if it had nothing to do with me, you let it all out on me. I felt apart of you was scared of me so that was another thing that should’ve made me back away.

I got jealous. I mean who doesn’t get somewhat jealous in a relationship. That’s apart of life. I know you never gave me any reason to be jealous but that’s just out of feelings I have about myself. That’s why I’m loving me now more than ever. I know you know damn well I controlled that jealousy though. I can’t live without you Sam keeps running through my head because you were the one to do this. To make me feel this pain. To make it seem like everything was my fault.

You made me feel less than my worth every time you decided to push me away. Just like that so-called fucking break up phone call you made. It should’ve been made in person. You called and told me the problem your doctor explained to you then you went straight to distance. How long were you going to wait to make that in person break up happen? How long were you going to make me feel like shit? You said your health was at risk so you jumped. Then you said I wasn’t the reason. Which is it? Then you ended with we weren’t in a healthy relationship anymore. Mind you the fact that none of this shit was said in person. Yeah I showed up to your house and you just added on more. So the break up was never in person. If I hadn’t of drove there then what?

That break up was going to happen and you knew it was. We were perfectly fine that entire weekend and instead of opening up your mouth saying you really didn’t want to go you closed it and went and were miserable. I would’ve been perfectly fine just going with my family.

So yeah you see now why I needed that closure face to face. I never cheated on you, I was always there whenever you needed me in a heart beat but maybe me needing you too much was the problem. Taking on problems was something that you did willingly. I told you months ago, multiple times to go to the doctor for a check up. If I did that you wouldn’t even talk to me till I went to the doctor.

You said things about my family and I just let you. I never said anything bad about your parents so that’s another thing I should’ve just looked at. I know my parents are not perfect but right now, at the end of this, they’re all I have. They’ve been here.
I’m glad I told you that I didn’t need closure anymore. Even if it killed me not letting you know what was on my mind, I didn’t want to fall apart all over again. I needed to think more about myself then letting you determine that. You hurt me so much through all of this and then to top it off you were an asshole about this whole thing. Then telling me you’ve been wanting to do it for the past three months. Making promises and plans for what?

I guess things started to go downhill when I started to apologize for shit I wasn’t even sorry for. Our struggles were beyond each other. Both craving to fix each other while destroying each other. I feel like I was a disappointment to you. I knew you loved me but you haven’t been in love with me in quite some time. This is the truth. Raw, unedited, unfiltered. This is the truth past the cute Instagram photos.

I have been sad. The kind of sad that you never wish on anyone. The kind of sad that your mom and dad cry about because they can’t do anything for me but pray to take away the pain. My friends just telling me the right words and they stay stuck in my head for five minutes then I still think of how you ended this.

You were always mad and tired and that was never on me. The little fights couldn’t of possibly put that much on you for you to just call and say we need to distance ourselves. Sam I’m breaking up with you. I guess I should’ve seen that weeks ago when I accidentally hit your tooth from you locking my legs in and then there was this other side of you that I never saw. I felt so bad for accidentally doing that but I know you didn’t feel bad. You just felt guilty. You had no right to blame me for your fucking stomach either. Didn’t matter that you took it back. You still blamed me for your health.

There were all kinds of factors that played a role in that. The fact that you always had to take care of everything. When you’re Dad lost his job I tried to be there for you but I already knew that the stress was going to eat you alive. You never told them that. You told me everything though. How your brothers told you to basically help out when in fact you do everything already. You were stressed with your job. You hated having to put up with 8 hours of bullshit Monday through Friday. But you liked the experience and money. So all in all you weren’t going to push your family away and you weren’t going to push your income away. So I was the easiest to let go.

No matter what feelings were involved. No matter how broken you left me. No matter what. You sent that text days after when I was finally getting a little better and then it broke me all over again. You said it wasn’t to mess with my head but that shit again should’ve been said in person. Or you could’ve waited the two weeks that you gave me permission to hit you up. Also something I didn’t understand. You know you were wrong. You felt bad. You were sorry. I know.

At the end of all this I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I needed you too much. I’m sorry for ever putting my hands on you.
I’m sorry I was jealous when you gave me no reason to be.
I’m sorry I called you names and made you feel less than what you’re worth.
I’m sorry that I took you for granted. We can’t be friends. Maybe in the far far future. But not now. You were a dick to me sometimes and sometimes I was a bitch to you. We had our ups and downs but I was happy. I know you were too. I can’t give up loving you but I can love me more. That’s all I can do.

I said I wasn’t going to move on from you but after all this shit you put me through I want nothing more from you. I’ll keep you in my prayers. I’ll keep making myself a better me. I’m not depending on anyone for my happiness anymore, I’m creating that for me. Thank you for everything that you did for me. Thank you for showing me all that you did and allowing me to be apart of your life. I’ll never forget you. I don’t want to forget the memories. So I won’t.

I just want you to know how much you hurt me and maybe down the line in a couple of weeks or months you’ll feel this hurt too.
When that song from Sam Hunt comes on. When you think of the random names like poponga.
When you remember our handshake.
When you think of everything good we had instead of the bad.

I hope you know how badly this hurt me.

How badly you hurt me.

How badly this is hurting me.

 

I’ll get through this. I’ll come out stronger. I’ll be more in love with myself. Be more independent.  Being in love with myself is the only love that I want to move on from you. You said we didn’t end things on bad terms.
But you made it seem that way. I’m no saint either I knew where I went wrong. There will be no more of these blogs that connect with you. I still love you and as much as this hurts I have to say goodbye. I’ve made myself sick from all of this and I need to put me first now and forever.
Take care.
-X

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