Part Four: Dear Self

Dear Self,

I feel like sometimes we do stuff that we really don’t want to do but because we’re in that moment, it happens. We can either learn from it and move on or dwell on our mistake and keep repeating it. Yesterday I did the inevitable, I hit up my ex. I was seeking validation that I didn’t need because someone put it in my head that I needed it. I felt like shit after the phone call and as soon as I heard his voice I instantly regretted making that call. The phone call was just questions about me and like always I gave in and poured my heart out when I shouldn’t have. Like always I get the end of the fucking stick and it’s just crazy how much you can love and hate someone at the same time. What’s probably even crazier is that no matter how much this person hurt you theres always going to be some kind of link with them. Whether it be me thinking about memories that were made or lessons that life taught me being with that person. I am human and I am not perfect and perfect is not what I want to be. I was counting down the days till I got to the hundredth mark of not hitting him up just so I could prove to myself that he really ain’t shit. It sounds bad but it was more clarity for me than anything. Our last conversation we had was him telling me that he was never going to be happy as long as I was a part of his life and that I was just finding a reason to need to see him as if he was some kind of celebrity that I put on this pedestal. It made me sick to my stomach when he told me those things as if the past two years didn’t matter. As if I didn’t fucking matter. So yesterday I also got into it with someone close to me because she tends to keep things bottled up and then explodes whenever she feels like it. I let her get the best of me and I called her out of her name but the thing about that is that she knew the words to say to hurt me and she stuck a knife in me and dug it deep. She always tends to throw things in my face and whether or not she knows it, she’s wrong. Sometimes people are going to try to bring you down, sometimes people are going to want you to fail, sometimes people could just give two fucks about you but in the end never let someone change your colors and positivity. Some people know just the right words to say to hurt you and if they have to think that low then obviously there is something wrong with them. They probably don’t even know it. I am all about positivity but sometimes you don’t always have to smile and put up a front. Sometimes it’s okay to feel sad but don’t let that ruin your progress or ruin your whole day. Address what the problem is and do your best to try to fix it. I know that next time he will not be the person I call because he is no longer my person. I will call my best friends and just let them be there for me like I would be there for them. I know that I will never let that person close to me dictate a relationship that she wasn’t apart of or knew nothing about. You can’t change someone that feels in their heart that they do nothing wrong. You can change you not getting the shit end of the stick and just remembering that there’s always tomorrow and better days are yet to come. God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle and sometimes being hurt makes us stronger.

 

until next time

lots of love

esswest

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