Smile and Be Kind

This blog post is probably going to be the most open I’ve ever been online, because I recently realized how beneficial it is to share what’s inside of us. While driving home tonight I broke down and started crying. Not just a few tears but a good old sobbing session. I don’t like to share everything with my boyfriend even though I should because it’s just not in me to do so. I have been feeling like shit these past few weeks. Shit went south with my car and I had to put a lot of my hard earned saved money into it. I lost some friendships that I thought were forever and I started to feel anxious again and that often leads to me digging my nails into my skin and not knowing to stop. I’ve been putting up this smile that isn’t real and just going with the flow. It sucks to just feel empty when I’m fully alive and letting stuff go by, everyday. Usually I have the gym to let me release some of these toxins and this past week I’ve had far too many rest days than usual and I just couldn’t deal and bursted out crying. I feel like nothing I do for people is enough. I feel like I’m constantly in this battle of putting others needs before mine and I start to apologize for shit I’m not even sorry for. It’s been draining but this is real life. I know that this will pass because it’s just how I handle things but I tend to think about the past, present, and future all at once and that just gets me. So after I let these tears out, I made myself feel better. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s that time of the month but I just need extra loving at this time and this is the first time in a long time that I stopped and thought about things I need to change to be happy and that all goes back to putting my needs before anyone else’s and it doesn’t matter who gets hurt along the way because I matter and I’m going to do whatever it takes to depend on myself for my happiness.

This whole post was just so you guys know that no matter how much you think you may know someone, it doesn’t hurt to smile at them and be kind.

Until next time

-Esswest

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