10 things that loving myself has taught me

So I recently got to blow away 100 pounds, literally lol.

It had me thinking that I could write about losing it but I decided I wanted to post something that stuck with me throughout my whole progress which was self love.

I want to say that starting from when I was fifteen, I always thought or wanted to look like anyone but me. I envied skinny people and would always talk down on myself. I did a lot of stupid things like pretending to be someone I wasn’t. Let’s just say in all I had my fair share of just self hate. I was never the small girl and I was never able to shop in the area I wanted to. I can admit that I hated my quinceanera dress but it was the only thing that fit me. As well as my prom dress. But I did it to myself. I was destroying my body with food when I was sad or mad. I was on and off of diets since I was fifteen. Not one point did I ever love myself or even look into the mirror for that matter.

So jumping into my twenties, I started taking it serious a few years ago and since then I would lose and gain and lose and gain. Then I found someone that I thought was it but then that went south and instead of turning to food. I took out my anger and stress at the gym. I started out walking on the treadmill. I did that for the longest time because let’s face it, there was no way my foot was going to touch the weights section. Then about 5 months into just cardio I wanted to attempt to lift weights. I remember my brother in law Adri helping me and Victoria. Those to don’t know it but they were the biggest help. You see I didn’t want to fail at lifting. I wanted to correct my form and give it my all and that’s what I was doing. I would go really late at night so people wouldn’t see me but then slowly I started to not care and just go when I wanted to. This is when I started to fully, unapologetically love the fuck out of myself. Then my gym I was at started to not pay its bills lol so I had to resort to going to Planet Fitness *dun dun dun*

Starting there was a mess for me because that was a huge gym and I was scared. I started in February of 2018 and the first month I was just doing cardio and then March I got into weights and met Eddie. I was so blessed to have met him and then March is when I started having a lifting schedule. Eddie really pushed me and sometimes I cried but I needed it. He got me out of my comfort zone and till this day he still keeps pushing me out of new comfort zones.

Throughout the whole time, I focused on loving myself a little more each and everyday. At every weight loss I loved myself because I know when I get to where I want to that I’ll still love myself. Let’s move onto July 2018, that’s one full year or weight loss and here are 10 things that self love taught me:

  1. To love myself even when I hate myself. You guys this journey hasn’t been the easiest. There are times still that I think about the past and how much I hated myself for letting it get this bad but I’m here fixing my mistakes.
  2. To keep pushing even though I want to give up.
  3. To appreciate the small victories.
  4. To look myself in the mirror when I’m lifting. This is something that I’m still working on but little by little I have been doing it. Eddie doesn’t have to stand in front of me anymore.
  5. To never go into something thinking I can’t do it. Self doubt is my biggest problem when it comes to lifting and I love myself so much that I push myself to new limits.( or at least try to)
  6. To put my happiness before anyone else’s. That doesn’t mean I’m being selfish. I just need myself to matter to me.
  7. To never let the opinion of others reflect on my worth or love I have for myself. There were plenty of times that people sent me nasty/mean shit. At first I would cry about it and then I ignored it and got over it.
  8. To take me out of new comfort zones. Loving myself is something that I want the world to know. So if making me do new things helps me with self love then I’m all for it.
  9. To embrace my fatness. This sounds weird but I’m slowly able to be comfortable naked. I want you guys to know that loving myself gave me confidence in myself to try new things in bed, try wearing new clothes, to not give a fuck if the word fat comes out. I’m a fat girl working my ass off to become a better me. So if you don’t like it (A.) don’t follow me (B.) don’t keep up with my blog (C.) eat a dick and leave me alone.
  10. To never let anyone disrespect me. I went through my fair share of calling people names and getting into physical fights. I love myself to know my worth and know that will NEVER happen to me again.

Loving myself changed me as a person. I’m not this angry person anymore. I am not someone who lets anyone interfere with my positivity or happiness. It made me appreciate who I have in my life and if someone isn’t meant to be in your life then love yourself enough to move on. I still have days where I feel down but I have my people that love me to help lift me. A lot of people think that loving yourself is hard go do but by choosing something for yourself without caring about what anyone thinks is a step towards loving yourself. So the next time you want to wear something and you don’t think society will approve of it, wear it. Next time you really just want to stay home and watch Netflix instead of going out to make your friends happy then do it. Stay home and Netflix it up maybe even get a little crazy and throw on a facemask and drink a little wine. Next time you really want to go eat dinner and have no one to go with, go by yourself. Next time a movie comes out that you really want to watch and someone has already seen it or doesn’t really care for it, go by yourself. Enjoy your own company. Doing something like this doesn’t make you lonely, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t even make you seem like you’re too good for anyone. Doing things by yourself for yourself is something that should be enjoyed. Some my friends that have kids have a real hard time with self-love because they think that because they brought a little human into this world than all of their love should go towards that tiny human. I don’t have kids but I know one day I plan on having kids but I know that I am going to make time for myself. If you’re my friend and you are reading this and you need a night off but you can’t find a babysitter I am only one phone call away. If you need a little time to get away with your husband or boyfriend I am there. Or if you just want some alone time and you can’t find anyone to watch your kid I will do that for you. And if you don’t have a friend like me that will do something like that for you then I suggest finding some new friends lol jk

I hope that whoever reads this starts to practice self love and loves themselves no matter how many followers they have or how many likes on a post you can get. Find some balance in your life to have some time for yourself. I find that doing my homework lately has been my alone time and sometimes I need help on my math but having some thoughts to myself in my head have been doing it for me lately. Maybe skipping the gym one night to watch a movie or have dinner with my family is another way that I’ve been practicing some self love. It doesn’t always have to be by yourself for you to practice self love.

If you’re reading this then the next time you wake up, brush your teeth, and look in the mirror and say YASSSSS BITCH 💕

Lately I fell off track on just going on dates by myself because I found someone who I just love to be around. We don’t necessarily have to be doing anything but I will get back into some alone time when I get back from my trip next week. Practicing what I preach lol

Until my next post

-Esswest

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